I'll say it first before anything is actually typed... this blog post is going to be very ranty and likely a bit depressing. But that's at least part of the point of my blog anyway. It's what I want to talk about so it's what I will do.
I've been really struggling with all my job applications and trying to find work. I think the worst part of it all is that a major part of the problem is just me. I'm not applying nearly as much as I should be, I keep getting caught up in plans or sit alone at my desk doomscrolling youtube. I've tried so hard to remove this part of me but it feels impossible to get rid of. I limit the time on my phone, I removed my youtube algorithm, and I've used so many organization apps to try to get me focused. Every day feels the same: wake up, swear to lock in, get distracted, waste my day, decide tomorrow will be different and go to bed.
I’ve applied for probably over 60 jobs in the past 4-5 months. That is a horrifically bad ratio, it’s like half a job app a day. I don’t know if a certain level of self-loathing will help me try harder, but sometimes it feels so hard not to just hate myself. I find myself constantly on the brink of success and I feel this terrible need to rip myself back down and give up. I want to get a diagnosis for some explanation for this, because if there is something wrong with me, it means that the problem is not inherently me. It also means that there might be a solution.
I don’t know if today will be different, I’ve so far avoided doing any kind of application for 4 hours already and the time between waking up and my first application is just getting longer as I type. It’s scary to say, but I really don’t know what to do. So I’ll do what I’ve been doing, say “I’ll be okay” and hope to God that I can change starting now.
It’s odd because I know at least to a certain extent that this is a cry for help, but I’m not sure who I’m crying out to. Who can truly help me in this besides myself?